Getting Personal: Admitting I Need Help...

This post is one that I have been really unsure about writing. I didn't know whether this was something I should really be sharing, but then I thought to myself, what if someone else is going through what I am going through. I want always to be a role model for people going through the same things as me. So here goes...

I've been suffering with depression for almost four years now, and I am finally asking for help. A fair amount of bad things have happened in my life, and they have all contributed to my feelings of depression. I thought I could cope with it all by myself, and that I didn't really need help, but I got myself into a really bad place on Monday, and I realised enough was enough.

It kind of started when I was 17, I was in a long distance relationship with a boy I met online. I told him that I was abused by my neighbor when I was younger. I wasn't ever going to tell anyone, but then my neighbour tried to groom my sister, and I knew I had to open up. I couldn't face telling my mum, so instead I handed her my laptop and my boyfriend told her. So in the coming months I went through police interviews, and the stress of a trial. I actually went to his sentencing, I wasn't afraid of him, and I wanted to see him pay. 

After that things were good, my long distance relationship ended, and I got into a relationship with someone who I had been in love with since I was 11. We had a really good relationship, but a lot of stuff happened between myself, him and his parents. That put added stress on us, and ultimately in the end it began to drive a wedge between us. We went to uni together but by then the stress on us had become too much. I was struggling with my first year at uni, I needed support from my boyfriend. Instead of supporting me, we argued a lot, and when we did he would often ignore me for days on end. I would spend those days crying all the time, and trying to talk to him. I was worried about what he was doing, and didn't want him to be angry with me anymore. Towards the end of our relationship I felt like I was completely alone. It was at this time that the suicidal thoughts came. I tried to commit suicide several times, I swallowed a load of pills and alcohol and just hoped that I wouldn't wake up. I took off to the seafront and thought of just swimming out into the middle of the ocean until I was too tired to swim anymore. Obviously none of these attempts worked. 

Then I met Ellie and Elliot. My two best friends in the entire world, and I started my radio show. Life got better. I wasn't 100%, I had a lot of days when I couldn't even get out of bed, I would spend the day crying and eating a tonne of food. This is where I put on most of my weight. I still had suicidal thoughts, but I never acted on them. I had a couple of run in's with my ex, which often ended with me contemplating death, and crying for weeks on end. I just about got through.

Then this May I moved back home. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't realise how hard it would be. I argue with everyone a lot, I get very stressed out and angry, I have a full time job. I began to feel like the walls were closing in on me, and I never had time to just stop and be me. 

I was so excited for graduation week, I couldn't wait to get a whole week to feel like me again. It all started off great, and then I fell out with the two people that keep me sane. Ellie and Elliot. I won't go into why, but let's just say I was heartbroken, and it completely ruined my graduation. We made up just in time for the actually graduation ceremony, but this was all added pressure on me. It all continued to build up, and I just felt like there was no hope. I snap at my family all the time, I cry myself to sleep. 

Then my lowest day came. On Monday I spent the entire day planning to hang myself. I am not proud of it. It was like I was on autopilot, I was just planning it all out, writing letters to the people I had stuff to say to. It got to about 7pm. I looked down, saw all these letters I had just written, and I suddenly realised that I couldn't go on like this anymore. So I told my mum.

Tuesday I went to the doctors, I have been referred for Therapy, and failing that I am looking at anti-depressants. I don't feel any different, but at least now the people I love know, and they can begin to support me. I can move forward now. 

I guess I wrote this all out because I wanted to say, if you are feeling the way I am, don't let it get on top of you. Talk to someone, tell someone you trust, they will help and support you. You don't need to suffer in silence. 

I'll leave you with some lyrics from a woman who always makes me feel strong. Jessie J:

'It's OK not to be OK,

Sometimes it's hard,

To follow your heart,

Tears don't mean you're losing,

Everybodies bruising,

Just be true to who you are'

Getting Personal: Collaboration with Sponsors!

Today I want to talk to you about collaborating with sponsors. A lot of bloggers do it, and we don't even notice. I know there can be a lot of anger from other bloggers, and readers towards bloggers who accepts sponsorship, particularly those who accept sponsorship that is unrelated to their blog. However I think, 'Why Not?'. Yes I love blogging, it is my hobby, and it keeps me sane, but if I can get sponsored content on top of writing about whatever I like then of course I want to do that!

For the past month or so I have been collaborating a lot with Total Media. In exchange for putting links on my posts I can get vouchers, or even product from the company. I have a contact who sends me the latest collaborations and I can simply say 'Yes', or 'No' depending on whether I want what the company is offering, or whether I think they fit my blog etc. Now I know there are going to be some of you out there that will criticise my decision to take part in this kind of collaboration, but it's my decision. I don't see anything wrong with it, and I think more bloggers should be doing it! As long as it doesn't become massively obvious, or makes you write posts that are completely unrelated to your blogs content.

So in short I will continue to put sponsored content on my blog, shamelessly, and I implore other bloggers to follow my lead! I know our blogs are our babies, but why not get a little something every now and again for something that you work so hard on!

If you want to check out Total Media, click through to their Media Planning. Don't forget! Do not be ashamed to take sponsored content!

*This post is sponsored by Natural Balance Foods, check out their Natural Bars here.

Getting Personal: Why I started/Why I love blogging!

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During the #lbloggers chat this week the girls were all talking about the reasons behind their blogging, and I realised that I've never really talked about why I blog. I have written a short post about it before, but I didn't really go in depth. 

When I first started Univeristy back in 2010, it was the first time I had been away from my home by myself. Granted I had my boyfriend at the time, but he wasn't there all the time, in fact he was pretty terrible at being there for me those first few weeks. I began to feel horribly alone, although I had friends, as soon as I was alone in my room I felt panicky and horrible. I took comfort in the internet. Youtube became my biggest retreat, and I desperately wanted to make videos and share my experiences with others. At the time I didn't have a decent camera available to me so instead I started a blog (alyssiarose.wordpress.com). Looking back at this blog I can see that I was probably writing it for all the wrong reasons. I wrote VERY personal posts, some were targeted at certain people, and yes, they were written to hurt them. Looking back I was just very upset at the time, and was hurting greatly from my break-up and being alone at Uni. 

Thankfully I met some brilliant friends, mainly Ellie and Elliot, and they made me a lot happier. So I started blogging about other things, like gaming, and makeup. I stopped writing overly personal posts, and trying to upset people and just started writing because I enjoyed it. In November last year I stumbled across Nail Art blogs, I began obsessively reading them and collecting Nail polish. Finally I took the plunge and started Rose Tint My Nails. I found a community of wonderful women who all had Nail blogs and I made some friends. After about a month of writing Rose Tint My Nails, I decided that I wanted to revamp my personal blog, mainly so that I could write about a lot of different things. I moved my blog from Wordpress to Blogger and started taking my blog more seriously! I was so glad when I started gaining followers, although my blog is primarily written for myself I really love knowing that people out there are reading this. 

Since January I've bought my own domain, and had a redesign! I write at least 2 posts a week, have regular features, started a group for Berkshire Bloggers, and have a MILLION plans with what I want to do on this blog! This is a very exciting time for me, my life is about to change in a BIG way. I'm about to graduate and be throw into the adult world. I guess the question is, Will I grow up? We'll see!

I think one of the best things about blogging has to be the community. I love being able to chat to all the other lovely bloggers, and get advice with anything I am struggling with! I'm desperate to go to a blogger meetup, maybe someday soon!

Leave your blog URL's in the comments and let me know what made you start blogging!

Getting Personal: 3 and 1/2 weeks...

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That's how long I have before my whole world changes. I may sound a bit melodramatic right now, but it's how I feel right now. In fact I went for lunch yesterday with my two best friends, Ellie and Elliot, and I worked out that I have 3 1/2 weeks left in Aberystwyth. I almost got a little teary eyed. The worst part about it is I have ZERO free time because I have a million assignments to do. I'm moving back to Newbury around the 11th of May, and I am scared, here are the reasons why:

1. I have to find a job: In the current climate it's going to be pretty tough for me to find a job, although I am going into it with the view that ANY job is a job, so i'm hoping I won't have to wait too long.
2. I have to share a room again: Me and my sister (Who coincidentally has just started a blog), shared a room from when she was born until I left for Uni 3 years ago. I literally couldn't remember what it was like to have my own room. In fact when I came to uni I found it unsettling being in a room by myself, but I've grown to love it. I also have a lot of stuff that I have accumulated during my time here that I have to cram into a shared room.. this is not going to be fun.
3. I'm going to miss my friends: I was getting teary eyed yesterday just thinking about it. I get to see my friends almost whenever I want to, I see Ellie EVERY day because we live together. It's going to be weird not sitting together in the evenings on our laptops just messing around, or watching Masterchef together... 

So there you have it, some of the things I am not looking forward to! I am also going to be REALLY busy over the next few weeks so my blogging will probably begin to slow down, the only upside of this is that once I move home I will have LOTS of time for blogging. Let me know in the comments if you have any big changes coming up in your lives!

Getting Personal: Heartbreak Hotel

*WARNING: Extremely text heavy post, but may be beneficial to anyone who's feeling heartbroken*

(Google Images)

As I am sitting here beginning to write this I know it's going to be difficult. I'm going to try to open up without getting too personal, which is a problem that I have had in the past. I'm not sure I'll even post this, so if you are reading this, then know that writing this is difficult for me. I've been dealing with this one heartbreak for almost 2 years, and I only just feel like I am beginning to get over it. 

Lets start at the beginning. I met this boy in year seven, and I fell head over heels for him. We went out a couple of times, we kissed and I knew then and there that he was the one for me. We lost our virginity together at the age of 15. We split up. A few years later we got back together and finally had the relationship that we both deserved. We got engaged at the age of 17, and came to university together. It was at university in particular that we started having serious problems, although we had problems before coming too. We both became very different people. I became over emotional and irrational in my first year of uni, because I couldn't deal with being so far away from home. We stopped talking to each other and ultimately our relationship failed. I held out hope for 2 years. He came back into my life a few times and messed me (and his girlfriend at the time) around, only then to go back to her. Earlier this year we gave it one final shot. It didn't work out. I know we both want to blame each other heavily, but the truth is, we just don't work. I finally see that. 

Now I'm not typing any of this to 'out' him, or to make him feel bad or anything like that. I'm writing it more as a help for other people, I want you to know that your aren't alone, and I'm here for you. Before when I would write anything like this about him I would cry, a lot. I'd feel such intense pain, but now, although I feel a slight sadness in my heart, I finally feel free. Of course I care about him still, and I want him to do well in the future, but at the same time, I respect myself enough to know that having him in my life is just destructive to the both of us. So I'm not doing it anymore. I've said 'It's over' a million times before, but at the time I only said that to try and get him back, as pathetic as it may seem. This time, I'm being 100% honest with myself. It... is... Over.

I've started reading a book: 'I Can Heal Your Broken Heart' - It's a self help book. I'm finding it really beneficial. I thought I'd just share some things I've learned from the first few chapters for anyone else who is having a bit of a difficult time.

When you fall in love with someone, you visualise a 'perfect' future with that person, possibly getting married, living together etc. When you split up that future is now ripped away from you. So you hold onto that 'perfect' future for dear life. You do this by:

• Reliving old memories
• Visiting places you used to go together
• Listening to songs that remind you of your ex
• Doing anything you can to cling on to their memory
• Constantly contacting your ex

All of these things mean you cling onto the 'hope' of rescuing that future that you've already imagined. What you don't realise is that by releasing yourself from this 'future', you are ultimately going to be lead to another better future with another person, and the same is true of your ex. 

One of the best things I've done in the past weeks is to imagine all of the bad memories that I have of my ex. Not in the way that it makes me hate him, but in the way that it's made me realise that we had problems. I've broken out of the cycle of thinking that he is the only person in the world that I want to marry, because he isn't my 'one' anymore. He was A 'one' but not THE 'one'. At the same time though, I feel no grudge against him.

I can't believe I've been going through this vicious cycle of heartbreak for two years. Whenever my family or friends just told me to move on, I'd say I had, but really I didn't, and I just let him break my heart again. So if you are finding yourself in the same vicious cycle, just stop it. RIGHT NOW. No amount of hoping is going to change the fact that things in that relationship didn't work out. What you can hope for is the future, and the new better future that you are going to find in your next relationship. A great love isn't a love that causes this much hurt to both of you, a great love is one that you share with someone who can love you for ALL you are, and not just the bits that they like about you. I look forward to my new future with someone who can give me as much love as I am giving them!

I hope this helped at least one of you reading it. Feel free to talk to me in the comments, and share experiences. Or tweet me (@Alyssia_rose).