This post is one that I have been really unsure about writing. I didn't know whether this was something I should really be sharing, but then I thought to myself, what if someone else is going through what I am going through. I want always to be a role model for people going through the same things as me. So here goes...
I've been suffering with depression for almost four years now, and I am finally asking for help. A fair amount of bad things have happened in my life, and they have all contributed to my feelings of depression. I thought I could cope with it all by myself, and that I didn't really need help, but I got myself into a really bad place on Monday, and I realised enough was enough.
It kind of started when I was 17, I was in a long distance relationship with a boy I met online. I told him that I was abused by my neighbor when I was younger. I wasn't ever going to tell anyone, but then my neighbour tried to groom my sister, and I knew I had to open up. I couldn't face telling my mum, so instead I handed her my laptop and my boyfriend told her. So in the coming months I went through police interviews, and the stress of a trial. I actually went to his sentencing, I wasn't afraid of him, and I wanted to see him pay.
After that things were good, my long distance relationship ended, and I got into a relationship with someone who I had been in love with since I was 11. We had a really good relationship, but a lot of stuff happened between myself, him and his parents. That put added stress on us, and ultimately in the end it began to drive a wedge between us. We went to uni together but by then the stress on us had become too much. I was struggling with my first year at uni, I needed support from my boyfriend. Instead of supporting me, we argued a lot, and when we did he would often ignore me for days on end. I would spend those days crying all the time, and trying to talk to him. I was worried about what he was doing, and didn't want him to be angry with me anymore. Towards the end of our relationship I felt like I was completely alone. It was at this time that the suicidal thoughts came. I tried to commit suicide several times, I swallowed a load of pills and alcohol and just hoped that I wouldn't wake up. I took off to the seafront and thought of just swimming out into the middle of the ocean until I was too tired to swim anymore. Obviously none of these attempts worked.
Then I met Ellie and Elliot. My two best friends in the entire world, and I started my radio show. Life got better. I wasn't 100%, I had a lot of days when I couldn't even get out of bed, I would spend the day crying and eating a tonne of food. This is where I put on most of my weight. I still had suicidal thoughts, but I never acted on them. I had a couple of run in's with my ex, which often ended with me contemplating death, and crying for weeks on end. I just about got through.
Then this May I moved back home. I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn't realise how hard it would be. I argue with everyone a lot, I get very stressed out and angry, I have a full time job. I began to feel like the walls were closing in on me, and I never had time to just stop and be me.
I was so excited for graduation week, I couldn't wait to get a whole week to feel like me again. It all started off great, and then I fell out with the two people that keep me sane. Ellie and Elliot. I won't go into why, but let's just say I was heartbroken, and it completely ruined my graduation. We made up just in time for the actually graduation ceremony, but this was all added pressure on me. It all continued to build up, and I just felt like there was no hope. I snap at my family all the time, I cry myself to sleep.
Then my lowest day came. On Monday I spent the entire day planning to hang myself. I am not proud of it. It was like I was on autopilot, I was just planning it all out, writing letters to the people I had stuff to say to. It got to about 7pm. I looked down, saw all these letters I had just written, and I suddenly realised that I couldn't go on like this anymore. So I told my mum.
Tuesday I went to the doctors, I have been referred for Therapy, and failing that I am looking at anti-depressants. I don't feel any different, but at least now the people I love know, and they can begin to support me. I can move forward now.
I guess I wrote this all out because I wanted to say, if you are feeling the way I am, don't let it get on top of you. Talk to someone, tell someone you trust, they will help and support you. You don't need to suffer in silence.
I'll leave you with some lyrics from a woman who always makes me feel strong. Jessie J:
'It's OK not to be OK,
Sometimes it's hard,
To follow your heart,
Tears don't mean you're losing,
Just be true to who you are'