Getting Personal: Heartbreak Hotel

Tuesday, 26 February 2013

*WARNING: Extremely text heavy post, but may be beneficial to anyone who's feeling heartbroken*
(Google Images)

As I am sitting here beginning to write this I know it's going to be difficult. I'm going to try to open up without getting too personal, which is a problem that I have had in the past. I'm not sure I'll even post this, so if you are reading this, then know that writing this is difficult for me. I've been dealing with this one heartbreak for almost 2 years, and I only just feel like I am beginning to get over it. 

Lets start at the beginning. I met this boy in year seven, and I fell head over heels for him. We went out a couple of times, we kissed and I knew then and there that he was the one for me. We lost our virginity together at the age of 15. We split up. A few years later we got back together and finally had the relationship that we both deserved. We got engaged at the age of 17, and came to university together. It was at university in particular that we started having serious problems, although we had problems before coming too. We both became very different people. I became over emotional and irrational in my first year of uni, because I couldn't deal with being so far away from home. We stopped talking to each other and ultimately our relationship failed. I held out hope for 2 years. He came back into my life a few times and messed me (and his girlfriend at the time) around, only then to go back to her. Earlier this year we gave it one final shot. It didn't work out. I know we both want to blame each other heavily, but the truth is, we just don't work. I finally see that. 

Now I'm not typing any of this to 'out' him, or to make him feel bad or anything like that. I'm writing it more as a help for other people, I want you to know that your aren't alone, and I'm here for you. Before when I would write anything like this about him I would cry, a lot. I'd feel such intense pain, but now, although I feel a slight sadness in my heart, I finally feel free. Of course I care about him still, and I want him to do well in the future, but at the same time, I respect myself enough to know that having him in my life is just destructive to the both of us. So I'm not doing it anymore. I've said 'It's over' a million times before, but at the time I only said that to try and get him back, as pathetic as it may seem. This time, I'm being 100% honest with myself. It... is... Over.

I've started reading a book: 'I Can Heal Your Broken Heart' - It's a self help book. I'm finding it really beneficial. I thought I'd just share some things I've learned from the first few chapters for anyone else who is having a bit of a difficult time.

When you fall in love with someone, you visualise a 'perfect' future with that person, possibly getting married, living together etc. When you split up that future is now ripped away from you. So you hold onto that 'perfect' future for dear life. You do this by:
  • Reliving old memories
  • Visiting places you used to go together
  • Listening to songs that remind you of your ex
  • Doing anything you can to cling on to their memory
  • Constantly contacting your ex
All of these things mean you cling onto the 'hope' of rescuing that future that you've already imagined. What you don't realise is that by releasing yourself from this 'future', you are ultimately going to be lead to another better future with another person, and the same is true of your ex. 

One of the best things I've done in the past weeks is to imagine all of the bad memories that I have of my ex. Not in the way that it makes me hate him, but in the way that it's made me realise that we had problems. I've broken out of the cycle of thinking that he is the only person in the world that I want to marry, because he isn't my 'one' anymore. He was A 'one' but not THE 'one'. At the same time though, I feel no grudge against him.

I can't believe I've been going through this vicious cycle of heartbreak for two years. Whenever my family or friends just told me to move on, I'd say I had, but really I didn't, and I just let him break my heart again. So if you are finding yourself in the same vicious cycle, just stop it. RIGHT NOW. No amount of hoping is going to change the fact that things in that relationship didn't work out. What you can hope for is the future, and the new better future that you are going to find in your next relationship. A great love isn't a love that causes this much hurt to both of you, a great love is one that you share with someone who can love you for ALL you are, and not just the bits that they like about you. I look forward to my new future with someone who can give me as much love as I am giving them!


I hope this helped at least one of you reading it. Feel free to talk to me in the comments, and share experiences. Or tweet me (@Alyssia_rose).


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14 comments:

  1. What are you going to do if your ex's girlfriend reads this and finds out he cheated (again) on her? Don't you feel bad at all?

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    1. Sorry I should have made it clearer. He split up with her earlier this year before we got back together again. And of course I'm sorry that she got hurt.

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  2. If people ask me what's my tip for surviving uni and I can't be bothered to think of a serious answer I always say "Don't get dumped at the end of the Easter Hols in 3rd year, it makes everything go wrong". Tongue firmly in cheek, but it /did/ mess everything up for me, I went a bit mad for a while and didn't do myself any favours. I didn't think the world would ever be right again, but I'm so glad that it is, that I got over the shitty bit and through to the good times again. I never realised that I could enjoy being single as much as being with someone, and that's something I'd never known as an adult until now. It's been almost a year now and I'm so glad to say that it's better, that it's over, that I'm HAPPY.
    And you will get there too, my dear, we all do in the end. After the hurt and the heartbreak comes the time to smile again, even if it doesn't feel like it at the time. And I'm telling you because I wish someone would have told me when I was at my worst. You sound like me, someone who's always been in relationships and don't know how to not be in one. But take some time to learn yourself and love yourself on your own, too, you don't need a significant other to make you happy-that's one of the biggest revelations I've had.

    If you want to talk about it to someone who's only a few months ahead of where you are now, but has been there too, email me or something.

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    1. Thanks a lot hun! The thing is I know how to be single. I've technically been single for 2 years, but I've been holding onto the hope of getting back with the ex. I enjoy being alone, and single, it's just being without HIM that was the problem. But yeah I'm glad that I'm not the only one! We'll have to share stories sometime x

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    2. That's the difference though, there's being single and being single with no-one to just move on to, being single with no potential interests and it took me a LONG time to be OK with that-I'd been in 2 3 year relationships almost consecutively so the only 'me' I'd known since 15 was me+someone else.
      It surprised me when I realised I was finally just enjoying being me!

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  3. Have you tried being with anyone else since leaving him? Sort of to make times with him less special? Plus you get to be single and have fun ;)

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    1. Yeah I had a breif relationship from Nov-Jan. It was nice :) I didn't think about my ex once! Yeah having fun is the best!

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    2. No not relationships :P Just fun? ;)

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    3. I think you may have a dog sniffing round you in this one Alyssia ;) x

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    4. Thanks Anon. Fun is ok sometimes, but it depends on the person. Personally I'd rather have a deeper connection with a person than just 'fun'. I did 'fun' whilst being at uni, and yeah I enjoyed it, but not as much as I enjoy cuddling up to someone I care about.

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  4. I agree with Nail Novice above. Until you are 100% over someone you aren't really single so can't really enjoy it. I was with my ex husband from being 16, we split when I was 49! The best way I got over him was to have a fun, none serious relationship about 6 months after the split, it really helped me stop thinking about him. hen after that I really enjoyed being single, something i hadn't been since i was 15. In fact i got to enjoy living on my own for the first time in my life, and i loved it. I wasn't looking for another serious relationship, quite the opposite in fact but i met someone 2 years after my break up with my ex husband and fell madly in love, still am,but i think it was only possible because of my none serious relationship, otherwise i would have worried i was on the rebound. You need time after getting over an ex to learn how to be you without another person, learn to have fun being single and get to know this new and different you, and now, finally you can do that. Good luck with uni and enjoy your new life.
    Angela x

    http://british-bargains-and-beauty.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. Yeah I agree. I'm looking forward to having more time to myself (once I graduate and get uni work out of the way)

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  5. Good luck my lovely. Time really does heal everthing. I've fallen apart over relationships in the past (to the point I was on anti-depressants several times) - now I have a wonderful boyfriend with a 9 month old baby and a wedding to look forward to. There is someone for everyone but I had to wait until I was 29 before finding my soulmate. Trial and error is the only way x

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    1. Thanks hun :) I'll get there I know :)

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Hey Rose Petal
Thanks for stopping by. Please feel free to leave a comment, I read and enjoy every single one. Have a good day now xxx