31 Day Challenge! Day 21! What's my Biggest Fear?

Thursday 21 March 2013

I am afraid of a lot of things to be honest with you. Although to everyone who knows me I come across as fairly confident about myself and my life, behind closed doors I entertain some of my biggest fears. I have a very vivid and morbid imagination and this often means that when I am left to my own devices I can have horrible thoughts. So here are some of my biggest fears:

1. I fear gaining weight. Now I'm not talking about a few Ibs here and there because that would be a seriously stupid thing to be afraid of. I'm talking stones and stones of weight. I'm not happy with the weight I am at right now, ideally I would like to be 2 stone lighter, but I appreciate that's going to be difficult so I am fairly comfortable with what I have got for now. My biggest fear is being 18 stone or higher. Now don't get me wrong here, if you are that weight and you are happy in yourself then that's good for you, and I don't have anything against people that size. I just don't want to be that big. Every time I watch Supersize vs. Superskinny on Channel 4 I have nightmares about being that weight. It may be a silly thing to be afraid of, but it's a genuine concern of mine!

2. I fear being alone. I don't like to be on my own a lot. Even if I'm just sat in a room with my friends and we are all doing are own thing I feel so much more comfortable than when I am actually on my own. As well as that I fear being alone throughout life. I long for nothing more than to have a partner that I can share my life and my love with. I've always wanted to get married and have a family, and one of my biggest fears is that it will never happen for me. Also divorce is a great fear of mine. In my eyes when you make a commitment to someone you honour that commitment. You don't just give up on a marriage because you can't be bothered to work on it! Now don't get me wrong, I understand that in some situations divorce is necessary  but I feel like in this day and age everyone just gets divorced or separates at the first sign of trouble and it makes me sick. I have been engaged, and I would have honoured that commitment til the ends of the earth, and for a long time I still did. For two years after we split up I entertained that we were still perfect for each other, because I'd made that commitment. He just didn't want to sort out the problems we had, which is fine. I'm done with all that now. Anyway this is getting rambley now, my point is, I want commitment, and I fear that I will never have it.

3. I fear losing my loved ones. Everybody dies right? But my biggest fears are all about losing my mum or my nan. They are the two best people in my life, and I don't know what I would do without either one of them to be honest. I don't even like to think about it, just the thought makes me cry. My nan's brother recently died and we went up to the church to go and remove the cards from the flowers so that his daughters could keep them. My nan's eyesight is awful so she asked me to read what they said. I did and I found myself bawling my eyes out at what they had written, because I knew how I would feel if my mum or nan died. My brother and sister thought it was halarious that I cried, but I just felt horrible. I can't visit my Granddad's grave because it makes me feel so sad, I prefer to remember him as he was and laugh at the funny memories of him. To me that piece of ground with that gravestone are not him, he's alive in my memories.

So there you go. Sorry today was so long winded and ranty, but now you know some of my biggest fears! If you want to check out some of my other challenge days then please check out the links below:
  • Day 1 - Self Portrait and 5 random facts
  • Day 2 - Favourite Quotes
  • Day 3 - What makes you happy?
  • Day 4 - Best Childhood Memories
  • Day 5 - Movies I never get sick of.
  • Day 6 - My Last Random Act of Kindness.
  • Day 7 - My Dream Job
  • Day 8 - My Pet Peeve's
  • Day 9 - What is on my Life/Bucket List
  • Day 10 - Daily Routine
  • Day 11 - The Last Book I Read
  • Day 12 - Something I Miss
  • Day 13 - Do You Have any Regrets?
  • Day 14 - Whats on my iPod?
  • Day 15 - What makes me Awesome?
  • Day 16 - My Biggest Accomplishment!
  • Day 17 - When and Why I started Blogging!
  • Day 18 - Where am I happiest?
  • Day 19 - 5 Blogs I Read on a Regular Basis
  • Day 20 - What do you collect?

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  1. I am with you on 2 and 3 xx


  2. I fear losing my parents too, I think it about way too much :( I know I shouldn't but I can't help myself.

  3. Speaking in "stones"...that's interesting. I had to look that up because in the US we use pounds. So one stone is 14 pounds. Yeah, I've got a stone to lose too! I'm on the way... been eating right and working out. Slow and steady wins the race.

    I don't think your fear of being alone is irrational at all. The reason FOR your fear of being alone makes perfect sense. You can't settle, however... or you'll be miserable. I always say I'm perfectly content to be alone... as long as I have my dogs with me. :) They're better companions than most people I know!

    I don't fear losing my family... but I sure the hell don't want to think about it either. :( I honestly have nightmares about that kind of stuff and wake up crying. My oldest son left today on a school trip... in a chartered bus driving to a remote place to go camping with a huge group of 7th graders...and I cried after I dropped him off, not because I missed him already...but because I thought about what MIGHT happen...and it scared the crap out of me! :(

  4. I can really relate to # 1 because I had to lose weight over the last year for health reasons.
    With you on #3 - that IS my bigges fear. So we must just love and appreciare them while we still have them (hugs)